.....dots. lots of dots.

I had a long day, you never left my mind
I’m not quite okay, there is a balance I need to find
& the thing that’s really getting me, what took me so long to see
There’s never going to be another we

Oh June,
Can’t I have you back?
Oh June,
Why did you pack your bags?
& the last thing that he wrapped up in his arms before he left
Was my one and only heart, he clutched it tightly to his chest
Oh June,
Get me through another year

I watch the sunrise each morning from under my sheets
I miss your brown eyes, your grasshopper hands and teeth
& when I finally get a call from you
I can’t think of anything to say
Are you ever coming home? I can’t move on, there is no way

Oh June,
Your warm loving will never fade
Oh June,
No matter how long I have to wait
My boy, he’s gone, and may not return
But my mind is strong and the memories burn
Oh, June
Just get me through

I know it’s wrong and I can’t deny
As I sing this song, my hopes are high
Is he thinking of me too tonight?

Oh June,
What’s a girl to do?
When her head knows what’s right, but her heart puts up a fight

Oh June,
What did you do?

.......all along.

their laughter is picked up by the breeze
bursting upward and falling down onto me

these two are in love
sheltered by such care
his heart is her glove
they look so nice down there



all along i was so convinced
that you were heaven sent to be my prince
but i'm still waiting for my true love's kiss
you're just the boy i'm always going to miss



there they go again, so happy and content
they are best of friends, exchanging compliments


smiling so happy
their sunshine never ends
they make love look so easy
or is it just pretend

all along i was so naive
you'd tell me anything and i would believe
now i'm skeptical of many things
you've changed yourself... but first you've changed me


all along i was upside down
you drilled my heart right into the ground
and now you say you might come dig it out
i'm sorry love, but it might not be found

swim

it’s weird how it works
first a baby, at last a jerk
you eat, you sleep, you cry
you do enough to scrape on by
you love a lot
and then it dies
a sad and honest view
from a pair of green grey eyes

swim against the muck
swim harder still, you can’t get stuck
that muck you’re drowning in (swirls of sin, they suck you in)
i just watch the devil’s growing grin (kick and swim, kick and swim)
you can’t let that devil win

get me out of here
such pleading words
yet none revere
you’re deeper still
it’s so severe
but when that devil whispers in your ear

swim against the pain
swim, it’s flooding now, it’s pouring rain
the waters reach substantial gain
but Gods right there
he’ll make you sane

he pulls you out, he pumps your lungs

and spewing out from your sodden body

is a life's worth of anguish

all in one second vanquished

Smiley Faces

I am not really happy, not in the usual sense of the word. Several things come to mind when I reason with myself about why I should be HAPPY. It is nearly impossible for me to have a reason not to be happy. I have everything I need and always have. However, as Ingrid so brilliantly puts it, "I am a gallery of broken hearts." My sad little blood pumper has been through H-E-double-hockey-sticks this year. It's time to move on, time to let go, time to raise my chin and stand on my own again.

Really though, tonight I am awake wondering where the days of wanting to change the world have gone. Seriously, where did they go? My mind used to be filled with inspiration, excitement, creativity, and a hope to influence people in a positive way. I hope to come back to myself somehow. Now that I am feeling so weak, I have the chance to regain my strength. It is time - I am ready to do this.




Here I go! I have put the loneliness on the shelf for now. My frown will be forced into a joyful grin and I will show the world the best I can.



Thank you Lord, for saving my soul
Thank you Lord, for making me whole
Thank you Lord, for giving to me
Thy great salvation, so rich and free

My kite is in a tree... For now at least.

I don’t want to be that random girl anymore. I don’t want people to pop in and out of my life and then walk away with memories they will “always hold close to their heart.” That doesn’t cut it. Do they plan to come and go as they wish? Do they plan to stay only for a little while? Do I smell or something?

When you have gone through a bunch of Victors without ever finding even just ONE Charlie, you start to get a little discouraged. Dating is tricky. You scope out your options, talk to a few, see a few, and then there is that one who you don’t want to miss out on. Your hopes, flying as high as a kite, soar higher and higher with each passing day. You think maybe your search is over. Finally, you can stop throwing yourself into the (sometimes) harsh world of dating and settle down at last. But of course, then it happens… and you are alone. Yet again.

That one, well, he was the one, right?! You can’t let go too fast. Don’t give up hope! He is the one who displays every characteristic you could possibly want in a guy: Hilarious, smart, adorable, caring, oh and did I say hilarious? Your hands even looked kind of perfect tangled together. How could he have been a dud? Surely it was just a mishap; he isn’t really like that, he was just having an off day. He’ll call you back tomorrow and take you out on one of those fun dates you used to have, but haven’t gone on for a few months… yeah. Maybe that is where it went wrong. You stopped going on dates! Maybe you can salvage things by going on more dates! Stupid. Don’t waste your time or money. Things aren’t going to work out and you know it. It is time to finally let go. So Let Go.

Sigh.

Charlie, where are you? I pray about you every night. When you find me, I hope you accept me for who I am and what I have been through… because it has been rough. I am looking forward to meeting you. I think our intertwined hands will look even better than any Victor I have ever been with. It is going to be the best and scariest day of my life when I realize you are here. The best day, because we’ll finally have found each other, and the scariest, because then I will actually have something to lose. I don’t want to lose you. I pray that we won’t miss out on each other. Take your time, Charlie. I have a feeling that you are well worth the wait.

no one even reads these

so i am gonna type without proper sentence structure, punctuation, capitalization, grammar, and possibly sometimes even spelling.

so hey there, nobody! i am listening to john mayer right now, looking out my dorm window at the darkish parking lot. there are so, so many cars out there. i wonder the story behind all of them. like... how many of those cars have been in wrecks and then restructured to work again? how many are currently dead? keys locked in? out of gas? make loud, embarrassing noises when you open the door or start the engine? how many are brand new or super old? or how about this - in how many of those cars has there been the conception of a child? hahaha.. that one i am gonna leave unanswered.

not that i am planning on answering any of the other questions, but if i were to choose one to definitely not try to answer, it would be that last one there.

ANYWAYS! i am so cozy in this position. i was so content to look out there for a while and just think and kind of let my eyes go in and out of focus. its just been one of those days where i desire this total relaxation :)

tonight i will leave the none of you with a few artists to look into on youtube:

daniel roosevelt

john mayer

the rocket summer



i love all three.

p.s. i feel like i want to be in Hutsonville.. the sad truth is that i really don't want to be there. i just dont want to be here. i feel like i wasted most of my high school days resenting the people in my class whereas now i just want to go back and be friends with them and have the memories of ridiculousness they all did. i missed my chance. for anyone who might be reading this or in high school now, dont waste it! and if you did what i did, try to find a way to make it happen for you again (not going back to high school, but making wonderful memories with a lot of potentially great people)

......lOoKiE :D

I moved! Woot.

This is my new area that I am sitting at writing this right now. As you may have assumed. I am so happy!

Why Am I Even Here?

For some reason only known to God, I am living in Bourbonnais, IL to go to college at Olivet Nazarene University. Ever since August I have been here... just... here. Words can't describe how I feel about being away from home. (But since this is a blog I am gonna give it a whirl...)

Now I am just remembering the comfort of my mom's bed, having my own room, staying up all night and no one thinking I am weird because it is my normal routine, watching The Nanny with my mom and my little sister, working at Joe's Pizza with my friends, and my family. Oh how I miss my family. It is funny how the present situation you are in always has a downside. Honestly, back when I had all of the above, I probably wasn't totally comfortable and content. But now that I am here away from everything, I see now that it was just sweet bliss.

Olivet is not bad. I have made some fun friends here, a great boyfriend, and learned more about God and The Bible in just 6 months than I ever have in my life. I have truly questioned God and been shown that He really is real. I've seen the contradictions within The Bible and decided that God was more important than source confusion. However, growing more as a person did require me to take that exciting, difficult, and now uncomfortable leap out of my bubble of Hutsonville and those around.

After a long fight with my roommate about dorm etiquette, I find myself sitting alone on the couch in our study room. Some unpleasantness definitely occurred when we were, um, debating on how things should go in the room. Essentially I left the room after my major character flaws were revealed to me. I figured she didn't want to go on ;) Now that it is all over, I find myself wondering...... Why Am I Even Here? I would pray, asking God, "Why, why, why?!" But I feel like I kind of know what His words would be. A couple of Bible verses stick out to me while dealing with my current roommate/college/I just want to go back home dilemma:

Proverbs 10:19
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

In other words... I need to stop using so many words.

Proverbs 13:10
Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.

Maybe I am not as horrible as my roommate told me I was, and maybe she isn't as bad as a roommate as I am thinking. That doesn't stop us from losing our head in the heated arguments... All I can think of to do right now is trust that God has me where He wants me. However, if it is what He wants, I am completely open to leaving. Right now.

I pray that I can be more honoring, accepting, patient, calm, pleasant, cooperative, and obedient. I pray that I can be less prideful, angry, nagging, grudge-holding, and flat out hateful in this situation.

Not tonight..

So. I decided to make a list of all of the wonderful reasons why I am stressed out.

1. I have two tests tomorrow.
2. ........ hmm...

Oh wait. That might be the only reason I am stressed out right now.

What does that say about this situation? Maybe I am gonna go study now!!!!!!!!!!!

Mini-tragedy...mega hilarious.

Hey y'all. I started this blog with such high hopes last year. I feel like such a lame-o! I blogged like....... none times almost. But hey I tried it out. Maybe now it will become regular. Maybe not though and this will not even be read by anyone. You never know.......

So I realize that it is 22 days past the new year. However, I have held a story about my December 31st in for way too long. I just never want to forget that night, so by blogging I will be able to come back and re-live it! Here is the story. My sister asked me to babysit her adorable two year old, Bella, on new year's eve. Totally fine with me, right? This little girl is my favorite pal, so fun to be around, and....... Well I mean, I don't have much of a life when I go home from college for holiday breaks. I had to practically beg the good people at the Robinson Subway restaurant for ONE stinkin' day of work that I haven't even been paid yet for.

Anyways.. So I was all prepared for this big day of babysitting. Once my sister and her husband left, I sat down with my buddy to watch Wilber and Charlotte weave some magic on Charlotte's Web. We watched Strawberry Shortcake and Elmo and Bambi. We danced in the kitchen with the dog, had a snack, and even played with Barbie! Then... the supper, bath, and dreaded bedtime was upon us. After she was all cleaned up I put her in her cookie monster pajamas and she squeezed her plushy, stuffed kitty cats while I read her a Fancy Nancy book or five. Meanwhile... I forgot about a very important member of the household. Yes...... The dog! It turns out that Roxy, the miniature pinscher, was still inside while I was tending to the toddler.

Whoops! You can guess what happened next. I was probably ten minutes from having my niece in bed, dreaming about tea cups and cartoons, when the dog lets loose on the carpet. Of her bedroom. As expected, chaos was to follow this extremely messy moment, especially after Bella hopped out of her bed and squished right into a pile of Roxy's aftermath. WOAH, was this bad. I had to act fast. I had to do something, right?! I was frozen. What?! Did that just happen? The dog literally left matter behind her as she ran in circles in the bedroom. Sadly, I spanked and tossed her outside. The dog, not my niece. Don't worry! I didn't completely lose my cool. It took about an hour and a half to get everything cleaned up, including Bella's foot and pantleg, and finally I thought we were ready to cuddle up and conk out. Wrong-o! Just when she started to close her eyes, my sister and her husband pulled up the driveway and Bella sprang awake to greet them. Close, but no cigar.

Secretly, I am proud of my niece for being so cool. When I was two years old, I bet I didn't even come close to reaching the midnight celebration of the new year.

I have a feeling she will continue to prove herself as awesome more and more every year.

:)